Growing Older With An Eating Disorder.

“I will not eat cakes or cookies or food. I will be thin, thin, pure. I will be pure and empty. Weight dropping off. Ninety-nine... ninety-five... ninety-two... ninety. Just one more to eighty-nine. Where does it go? Where in the universe does it go?”  -- Francesca Lia Block

Left: In Rome. Right: At a Buddhist Wedding.

These pictures of me in my 20s make me feel wistful, but not because I long for my youth. In truth, my sadness comes from remembering my lack of appreciation for myself as a young woman. From the age of fourteen, I struggled with eating disorders that would often manifest during periods of distress. Regrettably, much of my youthful energy was spent exercising and dieting. I was fixated on trying to attain an idealized weight because I thought I could be happy once I was ‘perfect.’  If I could go back in time, I would give my younger self a big hug and unconditional love. I certainly needed it.

Although it’s a difficult topic to discuss, I felt compelled to share my experience after reading a recent article titled, How Eating Disorders Impact Older Women: ‘The Changing Body is a Trigger.’ Often associated with young women, incidents of eating disorders in midlife women have been increasing steadily in recent years. Weight gain and body changes, along with other stressful events such as divorce, death of parents, and financial strains are common eating disorder catalysts. Additionally, the societal emphasis on thinness and youth may evoke feelings of invisibility and contribute to women's fears about aging.  

Some women experience eating disorders in adolescence or young adulthood and may have recurring episodes throughout their lives. Other women may have their first onset in midlife or even later. How eating disorders develop is not entirely clear. Aimee Liu, author of Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders, suggests, “Eating disorders are like a gun that’s formed by genetics, loaded by a culture and family ideals, and triggered by unbearable distress.” In looking at my own family environment, I was raised to be a perfectionist, and being ‘good enough’ was not an option. Moreover, I was expected to be cheerful and self-sufficient, even when I felt as if I were falling apart. As a consequence, controlling my weight via starvation diets and vigorous exercise became my way to cope with stress and anxiety. Sadly, these dysfunctional behaviors have been fairly constant throughout my life.

Aside from weight and body shape concerns, eating disorders pose serious health risks. According to AARP, starving, binging and purging have detrimental effects on health and may lead to heart problems, gastrointestinal problems, damaged teeth, and osteoporosis. Older women with eating disorders suffer the greatest harm, as bodies become less resilient with age. Just as alarming as the physical damage is the fact that anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality risk among all mental health issues. According to the National Eating Disorders Association, people with anorexia have a 10 percent mortality rate at 10 years with the disease, and 20 percent mortality at 20 years. 

At 50, I am experiencing bodily changes and finding I no longer fit into much of my wardrobe. Still, I have learned to be much kinder and accepting of myself. Recognizing that eating disorders can be reignited at any time, daily self-care is a priority. For many years, my eating disorder was a dark secret. I rarely, if ever, acknowledged that I even had it. Now I wonder if any women I know might be struggling with similar challenges? For readers who are in midlife and/or going through menopause, how do you feel about changes to your weight and body shape? I would be interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences. Thank you for reading my post.

Aging & Involuntary Childlessness: Does It Affect Men?

I think it is important that the myth that men don't feel sad is busted. It is so damaging for everyone and society as a whole. - Robin Hadley, PhD

Articles and research on the effects of involuntary childlessness often focus on women. Interestingly, we seldom read or hear about childless older men's experiences and whether they feel sadness in not having children. As a Master's student, Dr. Robin Hadley sought to investigate the experiences of childless men as there was little information available. The research culminated in Dr. Hadley's PhD dissertation, Life Without Fatherhood: A Qualitative Study of Older Involuntarily Childless Men. Recently, I had the opportunity to ask Dr. Hadley some questions in his area of expertise to which he provided insightful responses:

Dr. Robin Hadley (© Paul Tonge)

How did you develop an interest on the subject of involuntary childlessness in older men?
I was looking for a subject for my Masters dissertation in Counseling and in discussion with my supervisor, Liz, I just said, "I was really broody in my 30's". She replied she'd not heard anything about that subject and so that is how it started. I then found there was very little about the male experience of childlessness and that has spurred me on. I think it is important that the myth that men don't feel sad is busted. It is so damaging for everyone and society as a whole.

Do you think there is a stigma around older men without children? 
Yes I believe there is a stigma about older men without children. In fact it is a double taboo as both older people generally are subject to ageism and the childless are seen as 'different' and suspect. The men in my recent study all reported a fear of being seen a paedophile and the view of men as a threat is reported widely in the media.

Are older men without children at a greater disadvantage as they grow older? If so, in what ways? 
It rather depends on their circumstances. However, men tend to have smaller social networks than women and when men exit work, their social network also tends to reduce. If they have a partner, they may come to rely on their partners’ social network. If the men's partner dies, their social network can again reduce. European research shows that there is no difference between the older childless and similar people with children. The difference occurs if something negative happens to the childless person. For example, if they fall ill, formal care is accessed earlier and they are more likely to be taken in to a care facility earlier and for longer compared to people with adult children. Adult children are often advocates in their parents’ dealings with health and care service providers. In the UK, there have been a number of high profile cases of poor care/abuse of older people in health and care facilities. The majority of these cases were highlighted by adult children.   

Was there anything that you found in your research that surprised you?
There are three things that surprised me: firstly, that the men very easily talked about their thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger. Many of them said this was the first time they had spoken about their feelings and thoughts about childlessness. Secondly, the fear that they all expressed about being viewed a paedophile - it is such a shame that all men are portrayed as a threat whatever their age. Thirdly, four of the men I spoke to had a role of 'grandfather'. The benefit they showed in those relationships was a joy to see.

What advice would you give to men who wished to be fathers but are childless and having regrets? 

Do something! Either talk with someone you trust or with a counselor. All the men I have spoken to considered becoming a father as natural. Not achieving it was a loss that was not possible to talk about - as men aren't 'supposed' to care! Therefore, the impact of non-fatherhood is not recognised in society and that loss does need to be acknowledged. Keeping it in and not being able to appreciate your feelings may adversely affect thoughts, feelings and behaviour. I would also consider looking at what connections you have that may give you the chance to have a role as an active uncle, grandfather, mentor or advisor. For example, in the UK many schools encourage older people to become involved in reading to children who would benefit from person-to-person learning.

Prior to learning about Dr. Hadley's studies, I had not considered how involuntary childlessness affects older men and appreciate learning about this issue. An important takeaway from this interview is that men experience sadness and regret as women do in these circumstances. Despite assumptions that men do not like to talk, they are, in fact, open to sharing their experiences. Therefore, it's vital to create opportunities for honest conversations and to truly listen. Thank you for this interview, Dr. Hadley. Additional details on Dr. Hadley's research: www.wantedtobeadad.com

Left: Graduating from Keele University, 2015. Right: Final Thesis